I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i think my mom watched the whole time
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
