I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
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i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
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I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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