Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Houston, we have a blender
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
