Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
