Got a toothbrush?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
