I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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