i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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