Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
