i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
