For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
