I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
