I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
did i just pee glitter
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
