The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Did you pee in the oven last night??
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
