I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
