my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My dick has a subreddit
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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