I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
