I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
