I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
