At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
