When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
