he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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