i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
