worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
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Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
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Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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