i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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