I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
