Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
