umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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