God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
