Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
