Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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