I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have fence marks all over my body
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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