Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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