make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
