Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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