this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
