saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
