Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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