My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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