i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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