if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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