Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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