Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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