sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
