I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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