Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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