god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
