Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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