the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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