Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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