you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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