nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
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Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed