girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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